| I was growing more and more nervous with every day.
I had been out with quite a few guys, and I had had a lot of really close
guy friends, but the bond I felt with Chris was something completely new and exciting...and more than a little scary.
We hadn't said out loud the "L" word yet. I was wearing his class ring, but
there was only that verbal commitment of "I can call you my boyfriend, right?"
Somehow, for me, that wasn't enough. I was spending so much time thinking about Chris and writing to Chris and reading his letters and talking about him repeatedly to anyone who would listen...but still doubt niggled in the back of my mind. What if he wasn't who I thought he was? What if I got to the airport and realized that I had only been in love with who he was on the phone? In the days before I was to leave town, I came to a conclusion: I would come back from Indiana with a firmer commitment, or I would come back completely free. What kind of firmer commitment? I wasn't sure. My mind still danced shy of calling it "a proposal." I just needed...something. It didn't help that it was my first solo flight. I had flown before, but it had been in a group, so if I got lost I would have someone else to be lost with. I was all alone and I was completely paranoid. Oh, yes, between my feeling that the plane would surely go down if I didn't pull up on the armrest with all my strength and the lack of positive self-esteem that will come from a loooooong flight, I was anything but a picture of grace and loveliness. (Seatmate, wherever you are, whoever you are, I really am sorry I asked you about my hair seventeen times!) I had never seen a city as huge as Indianapolis. The plane touched down at night, and with all the lights and streets it just seemed immense. I didn't have time to think about it, though, because there was Chris, waiting for me at the gate. And reader, I experienced a new sensation: I was completely tongue-tied. I think we hugged hello. He asked if I was hungry and I said not really, and so he asked whether it was okay if we just went back to his parents' place, and I said sure. It was a long, silent ride for me. My heart was pounding so fast, but I couldn't think of even one coherent thing to say. I was so tired and overwhelmed! When we got to Chris's parents' house, his mom welcomed me and showed me where to put my things. Chris had some sort of onion soup, but I still wasn't hungry. So while he ate, I unpacked and got settled in. I let him read this collection of my poetry that I had brought on the spur of the moment. We chatted. His mom suggested he show me around the house. He did so, making brillian commentary such as, "And this," he gestured in a wild way at the kitchen, "is the kitchen." We started to laugh, and the tension was broken. The tour over, we went back to "my" room, where we sat on the sofa and talked more. And then I closed my eyes for a moment (I was still tired!), and just then I knew that he was going to kiss me (don't read this bit, Mom!). I don't even know how I knew, but I did. And this set off a whole flurry of rapid questions in my mind. Did I want him to kiss me? I had told him that I wasn't going to kiss anyone until I knew he was the one I would marry. So did I want to marry Chris? Did he remember the conversation? Did he think I was "The ONE"? And what was taking him so long, anyway?
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